borderlands
gearbox
I don’t know if there’s a way to make a good Borderlands movie. And this is definitely not the case.
I had to see Borderlands for myself, considering it ranks as one of the worst video game adaptations of all time, out of all the worst video game adaptations from over a decade ago. There wasn’t. Uwe Boll wasn’t bad in 2005, but he wasn’t great either. Before I talk about this, please know up front that I’m someone who spent hundreds of hours on the three games and the prequel. And that’s the perspective I’m coming from.
This isn’t a good Borderlands movie, or even a great one. It feels like Gearbox and Eli Roth were trying to split the difference here, making a PG-13 action movie that appealed to the masses, while vaguely gesturing at the game to get that audience there too.
But the end result is to throw a Borderlands game against a wall, watch it crumble, and then put a few slightly recognizable pieces back together. Spoilers follow, but are unnecessary if you’ve played the game or know the basics.
Did you think casting would be an issue? Casting is the problem. In some cases, it’s actually… okay. In my opinion, the single best cast character is Marcus and his entire 90 seconds of screen time. All Krieg has to do is look like Krieg and say things like “I’m going to lick your back!” And he does it. I think Ariana Greenblatt’s promising career in Young Gamora/Young Ahsoka will survive this situation, and with a better script she could be an okay Tina. Oddly enough, I actually liked… Jack Black’s Claptrap? He was really funny at times, probably more than the game.
But what on earth were Lilith and Roland thinking? Roland is Kevin Hart, and of course he’s not the stoic, tough soldier he’s supposed to be. He’s Kevin Hart, maybe 20 percent less Kevin Hart-ish than usual, but that’s about it. And physically speaking, no exaggeration, he’s only slightly taller than Greenblatt’s Tina, and the movie does nothing to exaggerate that.
cate blanchett
gearbox
Cate Blanchett is the most puzzling casting as Lilith. I have no idea how they got this two-time Oscar winner, other than perhaps her boredom and an inexplicable desire to recreate her character’s trajectory in The Tar. But as a gamer, the age difference between her and OG Lilith is distracting. Not just in terms of casting decisions, but also in terms of story. In the film, Tanith and Moxxi talk to her about the time they spent with their mother and reminisce about her when she was eight years old. Jamie Lee Curtis is 65 years old, 10 years older than Blanchett, who is 55. Gina Gershon is 62 years old. That’s completely stupid.
This script bears no resemblance to the Borderlands games, except that it’s vaguely about finding Pandora’s Vault. They created a narrative thrust by rewriting Tina into an Atlas-made clone in order to open the safe as the “Chosen One” using Eridian DNA, and her only connection to her original character was Her bunny ears and saying things like “Delio”
Tina is supposed to be “Eridia’s daughter” as prophesied, but of course we know how this will turn out. Lilith begins the movie without her siren powers. After about 20 minutes, you’ll find out that she, not Tina, is the Chosen One and gets the siren powers at the end. There will be a flame. The vault opening ends up being just a floating cube and tentacles, hinting at the game’s boss fight, which has no corresponding fight in the movie.
The script isn’t great, but the action isn’t great either. This is what I will henceforth refer to as “Rebel Moon Syndrome,” where a PG-13 cut neutralizes the action of something that should clearly be rated R. Gore-filled adult games give way to scenes of bullets hitting armor and people falling. Again, I think they were aiming to increase box office revenue by lowering the age group, but it hurts the movie. Not that much brutal action would have saved it, but it would have been better than what we got in this cut.
borderlands
gearbox
This project feels like pure ego. Look, look at these huge stars, we had to play these characters even if it didn’t make any sense! Borderlands fans will show up no matter what, even if the story and characters are very different! We’re launching the Borderlands Cinematic Universe to expand beyond those pesky gamers.
This is going to die here. Alone. No more movies. You should never try something like this again. Somewhere in another world, there’s probably a cool animated Borderlands series on Netflix. But even if this was supposed to be an A-list blockbuster, despite the few moments where it works, it overwhelmingly isn’t, and is the kind of work that studios now think this is good for. I’m actually worried about Borderlands 4 if there is.
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